Friday, October 23, 2009

Rainbow after the Rain

Well, today is another day and I'm much more at peace, contented, and secure in my God and His plan.  Really, I was last night.  Mark left to try to make up for lost time.  I pulled myself back together, got the kids together, and went to my parents house to spend the evening with them.  By the time I got there, I was much better and much stronger. 

Mark's biggest worry?  Me.  Every other wall we've hit, I've been the strong one.  This time?  Well, I really pretty much lost it.  I was upset.  I was angry.  I was in despair.  Luckily, in total, this probably lasted 2 hours...2.5 at the most.  Short lived because I had earlier prayed for the very things that I was clinging to at that point.  The peace that passes all understanding, an assurance of God's timing being perfect, the strength to continue to support my husband, my children, myself through this difficult time.  A mere hour and a half before this news, I was speaking aloud to God requisitioning these things.  Little did I know, I would turn my head from those sweet assurances as I grieved and then cling to them with everything to pull myself together for my husband and my children.  God is good to hold his treasures out to us for as long as it takes for us to grab hold.  Thank you, Lord, that I was able to let go of myself and my emotions after such a short time.  Grief and misery can last a long, long time, but I had prepared myself and shielded myself from the worst of it by my prayers earlier in the day.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, we're still working towards finding a job.  We're still trying to figure out where God wants us and why we've been kept waiting for so long.  However, we don't need to know right now.  God knows and that is enough.  Again I say, Jehovahjira...God will provide.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sick at Heart

I don't have the words to say right now.  I now understand that phrase: Sick at Heart.  My heart hurts, it feels sick, it feels sorta empty.  I have not lost heart, however.  I know that God is in control.  This was one of those situations that just makes you feel sick, though.  Mark finally, at about 3:45, called the company because he hadn't heard.  Yeah...not a good feeling.  She said, "Oh, Mark...I had been meaning to call you..."  Not a good way to start the conversation.  She said, "You were our strongest applicant and we were really impressed with you."  Uh...confused and a glimmer of false hope now... "BUT, at the very end of the day yesterday, a guy called that is trained in our specific program and we just really couldn't pass that up.  We don't have to pay for his training and all that.  I'm sure you understand."  Uh, no.  Sorry, I don't.  She went on to say that they really were very impressed with Mark and would really like to talk to him in about 6 months when they are planning on getting another truck and another guy.  Then, the current guy could train Mark in the program and they wouldn't have to pay to train him.  She said she was really sorry because they were prepared to hire him.  Thank you, lady...that is helpful.

Sorry.  That was unkind, but we are just sooo frustrated right now!  I don't understand why this cycle keeps repeating.  I don't understand what we are missing.  I don't understand what we're waiting for.  I know that that is all for God to know and me to trust.  I'm trying desperately.  I really do trust completely.  BUT, I do have emotions that sometimes get the best of this afternoon...

God is good, He works everything for the good for those of us that love Him.  He knows all, sees all, is all.  That is the only way that I am surviving.  The only way.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Job #....well, I've lost count

I've got to start by detailing the past 2 weeks.

Two weeks ago, Mark had an interview scheduled for Wed afternoon.  We planned for him to come home Wed morning (he ended up coming home Tues night, which was FINE by me).

Last week, he was called on Tuesday for an interview.  He came home and interviewed...again...on Wed.  Same day, different company.  That was the one that we really, really wanted.  He didn't get it.

Third week (today): He went back up to KC last night.  This morning...first thing...he gets a call from a company here in Wichita wanting to interview him today or tomorrow.  They are very interested in him based on his resume' and would like to potentially start him on training in St. Louis as early as a week from TODAY Monday!  WHOA!

So, we need prayers for clarity...prayers for this to be an obvious decision...prayers for it to be sufficient money...prayers for confidence for Mark as he goes to the interview.  PRAYERS, my faithful readers.  You all have been such faithful prayer warriors for me throughout this rough season of life.  Mark and I weathered quite a marital storm through it all, as well, and we're glad to be through that storm and happier in our marriage than we've ever been before.  I know that that is because of the prayers of many of you.  He has not lost heart during this emotionally draining/depleting time and I know that THAT is because of your faithful prayers.  Thank you all for helping to carry us through this time.  God has truly provided for us day by day and hour by hour and minute by minute. 

If this is not the job for Mark, I want it to be painfully obvious.  I have a different feeling in my gut/heart about this one, just seems...well, right.  Perhaps this time of separation with him in KC has been preparing me for him to be gone for training.  Next Monday is our anniversary, so that might be sad if he's gone, but if it is an end to our job search, it would be well worth it to sacrifice.  After all, marriage is not about anniversaries, but a day-to-day committment to each other, and we've got that down PAT! 

Anyway, if you would lift us up, I would appreciate it.  I would love it if this is the last time I have to request prayers for my husband's job search, but I am thankful that you all will take us before the Father each and every time we ask regardless.  We love you all, friends!

Monday, October 12, 2009

The BEST of Friends

Here is Cassie and her best friend, Sophie. 
This was spontaneous while at the zoo!
What sweet friends!

*Thanks to our friend, Donna, for the pic!
**Oh, and excuse the mix-matched outfit.  Cassie dressed herself that day...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I love to sing.  I have since I was tiny.  I was hugely active in choir both at school and with the small group at our church that sings at weddings, funerals, etc. 

Cassie loves to sing.  She has known her abc's since she was 18 months because of the song.  She has been able to spell her name since she was right about 2, because I put it in a song.  She is motivated by singing.

Since Sunday, Conrey has become a singer.  He has been singing non-stop.  We were in the car on our way to church and I heard him making sounds.  I thought, "That sounds like the Barney 'I Love You' song."  About 2 minutes later, Cassie said, "MOMMY!  Conrey is singing 'I LOVE YOU!!!!!!"  I said, "That's what I thought!"  I was so amazed that we both recognized that!  Since then, he has been singing like crazy.  He sings this song a ton, Jesus Loves Me, Old McDonald, and a few others.  You can't understand the words and it often sounds like moaning/mumbling, but you can hear the tune very clearly.  The funny thing is, that if I start singing, he stops.  He will NOT sing with me.  Sometimes, he will sing with Cassie, but nobody else.

Mark doesn't love to sing, but he loves music.  There is nothing better to him than to sit and listen to music.  Boring to me, as I like to be involved or be at a live performance.  However, that is how he enjoys music.

So, my dream has thus far come true...that my children will love to sing as much as I do.  I hope that they love music in an all-around, general sense.  I hope that they will love to make music, as well as love to just sit and take it in.  Music is such a powerful learning tool that I hope to take full advantage of as they get older.  Now, if we ever have a number 3, I hope and pray that the love keeps spreading around! 

Music, afterall, makes the world go round...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

One of "those" days

Ever have one of those days where you start out tired and you just get more tired as the day progresses? Today was, well, one of "those" days. Why is it that when you're tired, your kids (and the kids you babysit) have like 10 doses of extra energy?!? Why is it that the time between your last nerve and nap time grows exponentially? Why is it that, right when you're about to lose it, your sweet baby runs up to you and gives you a great big hug and kiss? Why is it that, when you're ready to just scream, you step out into the fresh, beautiful air and take a deep breath, totally cleansing your soul? Why is it that, when you're not sure you can make it another day on your own, you suddenly realize that you don't have to do it on your own?

There is always frustration, heartache, inadequacy, and misfortune, but what I'm learning day by day, is that when you give your attitude and your spirit over to the One who created both, there is joy, thanksgiving, and praise continually in my mouth. Even on one of "those" days.

Dear Lord, attune my lips to your praises. Guard my tongue from any words that do not glorify you. Help me to be edifying in my speech and actions. Thank you for my perfect children whom were created in your image, even in their imperfection. Let joy always fill my heart. Let me think on the good, pure, noble, lovely, excellent, and praiseworthy so that my days might be filled with joy...even when life gets stormy. Let my mouth speak of the fruits of the spirit when dealing with my children and help my actions to model them so that my children may learn to e patient, gentle, self-controlled, loving, peaceful, joyful, kind, good, and faithful. You are over all. You see all. You are in all. Praise be to your holy name.