Where is "home?"

I'm so confused.

Cassie is too.

We are all currently asking the same question: "Where is 'home'?"

We've gone back and forth between here and our house in Olathe. We go "home" to our house, but we come "home" to Wichita.

The question becomes even more confusing when you add in "Home is where the heart is" and furthermore "For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also." As for our "treasures," our worldly treasures are at our house. Our family is all together, so that is what matters. We are all safe and healthy. However, I'm not sure where my heart is at the moment.

Is it where I feel I belong? Is it where I feel comfortable? Is it where I feel at peace? Is it where I feel settled? Is it where I feel like a stranger? Is it where I feel like an intruder? Is it where I feel uneasy?

Here is the problem with that list: I feel ALL of those things in both places. ALL of them. I feel that I belong in Olathe, yet I feel that THIS is where I belong. I feel comfortable living in MY home and surrounded by MY stuff, yet living in the home of my childhood certainly brings back the comfort that only that can provide. I feel like an intruder in both places. I have detached from our home where I feel like it no longer "fits." I feel like I'm in someone else's home as a house sitter or something. I feel like an intruder here because I don't have a place for my things...I don't have the freedom to do anything my way...I can't just be a family with my husband and my children.

*SIGH* It is SOOO hard right now. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed as much as confused...bewildered...overwhelmed. I cannot see any end in sight and I'm not sure where to go from here.

We are once again and forever waiting. The ONLY thing getting me through is that I know that I am waiting on God...on His perfect timing. I know that at the end of this waiting, if I am faithful, will be blessings beyond measure. My cup already overflows with His blessings. So, I will try to be patient and wait on the Lord faithfully...not for the promise of blessing, but because I rest in His hope and I know that His ways are above my ways and He sees the grand scheme and picture. I know that He has plans to lift me up, to prosper me...not to harm me. I know that in His infinite wisdom and love, He will hold us up, encourage us, strengthen us, and lead us to the perfect place He wants us to be at the perfect time that He has selected.

See...I knew the answers all along. I just need you all to read this and let me walk through it to find them, embrace them, and hold to them.

I have been doing a Bible study lately that has actually gotten me INTO the Bible. I don't want to be unfair or unkind, but it is an extremely frustrating study at times where I have trouble figuring the author out. However, it has me in the Word and that is what has been long missing from my relationship with God. That is what has tripped me up when I couldn't make it through. That is why now, the promises of the Bible roll off of my fingers like rain. They have been hidden in my heart, but they are now revived and free to once again shape my attitude, my mind, my heart.

I really can't tell you the last time I actually studied the Bible. I'm glad to be home to it.

There's my answer. I typed it without even realizing what was flowing from my fingertips. God...that's where my home is. Where He reigns and He is free and He is alive!

So, here's what I mean about Satan working on me...I haven't even GLANCED at this blog since the last post, as I knew that I would be challenging myself to spend more time with God and such. Just to update...no daily time with God...no focusing on that...no little sibling yet for Cassie...no more fighting...less worrying about money...let's see...everything is good.

My princess started walking last night. Pretty exciting. You'll want to check out my xanga (www.xanga.com/Devion333) for a proverbial butt-load of recipes that I just put on there.

I went and re-read my 2 previous posts on here and found some stupid spelling/grammar errors...obviously I did not proof those too well. I DO know the difference between there/their/they're...it is actually 1 of my pet peeves and I screwed it up!

That's all I'm writing for now. I'll do more later....HOPEFULLY! :)

1st Post

Well, here I am with my first post on this site. I've decided that I want to be a blogger instead of a xanga user. I will not shut my xanga down yet. In fact, I'm not posting that I've switched yet. SO, when you finally get the notification that I'm switching to blogspot and you come on here and see several posts...don't be offended. I'm going to try this out a bit before telling people that I'm switching. Why am I switching? Well, for starters, I could never figure out how to do this: on xanga. I could never figure out how to get pictures to be added. Also, I have many blogs that I read daily and I wanted to be a part of the main action attraction with blogspot. I'm just being a follower, I guess. So, I will mainly use this and facebook now. Look me up on their if you have a page. I'm 'Devon "Dopps" Vickers.'

I really want this to be a journal-type blog. I have many thoughts/feelings/urges/promptings that I need to follow...I need to get out...I need be encouraged on. I need someone (or many someones) to keep me accountable. You see...I'm a procrastinator. I'm a procrastinator when it comes to my home. I'm a procrastinator when it comes to my God. I need someone to ask me how I'm doing along the way in both areas. I need people to challenge me to do better. I need people to say, "Dev...you're not keeping up with that so well..." I need to start a routine. I need to get God into my routine as more than just a subtle acknowledgement and more as a driving force in my everyday life. I need to get my house in a routine that I follow every week and do not waver from. When I keep things going smoothly, I have such a feeling of accomplishment. I know with all of my heart that if I could (would) get my lazy butt up and start with time with God in the morning, my day would be more productive...more focused...more powerful. SO, I am going to do my best...my absolute best...to make this happen.

Even now, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "that's not really practical right now, though...we'll start out slow...eventually we'll get to a morning devotional-type thing...who am I kidding? We all know that I'll say all of this and it will never happen..." As a fellow blogger out their in bloggity land recently blogged, "SATAN IS A LIAR!!!" He is sooooooo good at keeping me down. He is sooooo good at getting me to screw around rather than pray/read/sing/praise. He is good at what he does... HOWEVER, God is BETTER and STRONGER and much, much more faithful and I am going to call upon His name to give me the strength to focus...to be still...to listen...to commune with Him.

I'm still sitting here saying things to myself like, "I'm not going to be successful at this at the beginning, but I'll get better and hopefully someday I'll be good at it." SHEESH!

I'm going to get me a devotional book of some sort and start going at it. In fact, I'm going over to Amanda's blog right now to ask her the name of the book that has put her in such a great spirit.

Wish me luck girls (and guys if any guys read this)...I'm GOING FOR IT!!!

(OR, pray for me...that'd be even better....)