I'm so confused.
Cassie is too.
We are all currently asking the same question: "Where is 'home'?"
We've gone back and forth between here and our house in Olathe. We go "home" to our house, but we come "home" to Wichita.
The question becomes even more confusing when you add in "Home is where the heart is" and furthermore "For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also." As for our "treasures," our worldly treasures are at our house. Our family is all together, so that is what matters. We are all safe and healthy. However, I'm not sure where my heart is at the moment.
Is it where I feel I belong? Is it where I feel comfortable? Is it where I feel at peace? Is it where I feel settled? Is it where I feel like a stranger? Is it where I feel like an intruder? Is it where I feel uneasy?
Here is the problem with that list: I feel ALL of those things in both places. ALL of them. I feel that I belong in Olathe, yet I feel that THIS is where I belong. I feel comfortable living in MY home and surrounded by MY stuff, yet living in the home of my childhood certainly brings back the comfort that only that can provide. I feel like an intruder in both places. I have detached from our home where I feel like it no longer "fits." I feel like I'm in someone else's home as a house sitter or something. I feel like an intruder here because I don't have a place for my things...I don't have the freedom to do anything my way...I can't just be a family with my husband and my children.
*SIGH* It is SOOO hard right now. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed as much as confused...bewildered...overwhelmed. I cannot see any end in sight and I'm not sure where to go from here.
We are once again and forever waiting. The ONLY thing getting me through is that I know that I am waiting on God...on His perfect timing. I know that at the end of this waiting, if I am faithful, will be blessings beyond measure. My cup already overflows with His blessings. So, I will try to be patient and wait on the Lord faithfully...not for the promise of blessing, but because I rest in His hope and I know that His ways are above my ways and He sees the grand scheme and picture. I know that He has plans to lift me up, to prosper me...not to harm me. I know that in His infinite wisdom and love, He will hold us up, encourage us, strengthen us, and lead us to the perfect place He wants us to be at the perfect time that He has selected.
See...I knew the answers all along. I just need you all to read this and let me walk through it to find them, embrace them, and hold to them.
I have been doing a Bible study lately that has actually gotten me INTO the Bible. I don't want to be unfair or unkind, but it is an extremely frustrating study at times where I have trouble figuring the author out. However, it has me in the Word and that is what has been long missing from my relationship with God. That is what has tripped me up when I couldn't make it through. That is why now, the promises of the Bible roll off of my fingers like rain. They have been hidden in my heart, but they are now revived and free to once again shape my attitude, my mind, my heart.
I really can't tell you the last time I actually studied the Bible. I'm glad to be home to it.
There's my answer. I typed it without even realizing what was flowing from my fingertips. God...that's where my home is. Where He reigns and He is free and He is alive!