Monday, November 3, 2008

Where is "home?"

I'm so confused.

Cassie is too.

We are all currently asking the same question: "Where is 'home'?"

We've gone back and forth between here and our house in Olathe. We go "home" to our house, but we come "home" to Wichita.

The question becomes even more confusing when you add in "Home is where the heart is" and furthermore "For where your treasures are, there your heart will be also." As for our "treasures," our worldly treasures are at our house. Our family is all together, so that is what matters. We are all safe and healthy. However, I'm not sure where my heart is at the moment.

Is it where I feel I belong? Is it where I feel comfortable? Is it where I feel at peace? Is it where I feel settled? Is it where I feel like a stranger? Is it where I feel like an intruder? Is it where I feel uneasy?

Here is the problem with that list: I feel ALL of those things in both places. ALL of them. I feel that I belong in Olathe, yet I feel that THIS is where I belong. I feel comfortable living in MY home and surrounded by MY stuff, yet living in the home of my childhood certainly brings back the comfort that only that can provide. I feel like an intruder in both places. I have detached from our home where I feel like it no longer "fits." I feel like I'm in someone else's home as a house sitter or something. I feel like an intruder here because I don't have a place for my things...I don't have the freedom to do anything my way...I can't just be a family with my husband and my children.

*SIGH* It is SOOO hard right now. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed as much as confused...bewildered...overwhelmed. I cannot see any end in sight and I'm not sure where to go from here.

We are once again and forever waiting. The ONLY thing getting me through is that I know that I am waiting on God...on His perfect timing. I know that at the end of this waiting, if I am faithful, will be blessings beyond measure. My cup already overflows with His blessings. So, I will try to be patient and wait on the Lord faithfully...not for the promise of blessing, but because I rest in His hope and I know that His ways are above my ways and He sees the grand scheme and picture. I know that He has plans to lift me up, to prosper me...not to harm me. I know that in His infinite wisdom and love, He will hold us up, encourage us, strengthen us, and lead us to the perfect place He wants us to be at the perfect time that He has selected.

See...I knew the answers all along. I just need you all to read this and let me walk through it to find them, embrace them, and hold to them.

I have been doing a Bible study lately that has actually gotten me INTO the Bible. I don't want to be unfair or unkind, but it is an extremely frustrating study at times where I have trouble figuring the author out. However, it has me in the Word and that is what has been long missing from my relationship with God. That is what has tripped me up when I couldn't make it through. That is why now, the promises of the Bible roll off of my fingers like rain. They have been hidden in my heart, but they are now revived and free to once again shape my attitude, my mind, my heart.

I really can't tell you the last time I actually studied the Bible. I'm glad to be home to it.

There's my answer. I typed it without even realizing what was flowing from my fingertips. God...that's where my home is. Where He reigns and He is free and He is alive!

5 comments:

Chelf said...

Epiphany.

I like it.

Domestic Mess said...

Hey Devion, My blog is public now and I'm starting one of the cooking events tomorrow. Will you link to me from your site or mention my site in a post so people will find me if they are interested. Thanks!

Bek said...

Wow, I completely and wholeheartedly understand what you mean. You know, over the last 16 months so many people have jumped at the opportunity to tell John and I how they think that I should just go and "get a job" so that we can move out from under my parents roof and live on our own. That would so not solve the problem; it would make it worse. We are currently doing our best to be patient and wait for God's blessing of a work-at-home job for me, not just any old job. People talk about us behind our backs, about how they think we're slackers for moving back in, that I'm lazy, and the list goes on.

You'll understand what I mean when I say this: Would I be lazy for wanting to live under my parents' rules again? For having to do things someone else's way ALL the time? For having to do things that I don't want to do by any means? It would be so much easier to give in and get a job so we could afford rent somewhere. It's something someone doesn't understand unless they are thrust into this living arrangement.

Sometimes I let what other people think get to me. And sometimes I feel like I won't be good enough in some people's eyes until I have that desired job. But I'm good enough in God's eyes. He sees what others don't, and what I don't.

God will lead us where He wants us to be, whether it is here or there, now or later. I always thought I was a patient person, but this is a trial of my patience right now. I only hope that I pass!

Thank you so much for posting this. I know we're in the good hands of our Father, but it's nice to hear from someone else going through the same thing.

Bek said...

Oh, I forgot!

I know what you mean about the Bible studying. I'm struggling with that very issue right now. I'm ashamed to admit that it has been missing in my life for a while now, showing up here and there when I make time for it, but having no real place in my schedule.

I'm wondering what time of day you do your studying. I know in the Bible it says to "...seek You in the morning." I have a friend who wakes up at 5 am to study. That's not for me. I stay up late to study my captioning, and if I woke up at 5 am, I would be a crank pot!

I keep looking at the meaning of that verse, to seek Him in the morning. I can't figure out what time of my morning I can devote to it. To me, "in the morning" is before naptime. I'm debating on occupying Chloe with something to do, such as coloring and an Elmo video, and then doing my studying, but that might bring me 20 minutes. I'm just hopping back and forth as to how I should bring this back into my life for good.

I bet if I prayed about it, God would help Chloe stay occupied to give me ample time to study.

Harrold Family said...

I loved your post. I was also glad to see you at class today. Moving is hard. I have done it more times than I would like to admit. I will pray for your strength during this time.