Thursday, February 26, 2009

Love and Logic

So, for those of you who read this, you know that I've been doing Love and Logic. We have been working for 2 weeks now on the "Uh-Oh Song." This basically is a cycle that you use when your child is misbehaving where you start out by saying, "UH-OH" before taking them to their room and there is more to it. Anyway, I was given a positive reenforcement today telling me that I had been practicing this pattern a lot. Conrey learned a new word. After taking sis to her room for misbehaving at the dinner table (what's new???), I came back and heard him saying "uh........oh....... uh......oh....." HA! He kept repeating it. He has heard it OFTEN between his screaming and sis's fussing/whining.

Another thing that I have nipped in the bud is being a 24-hour kitchen for Cassie. We eat at the appointed times and that is all. Last night on the way home from church when she started whining about being hungry, I reminded her that she chose for Daddy to finish her chicken nuggets at dinner. I said, "But I have great news..." She said, "Breakfast is in the morning?" Grinning to myself, I said, "YEP!" That has been my response almost every night for several weeks now. It was the first time that she told ME what the great news was. She actually said it kind of excited. She loves cereal and I think that she sees it as me telling her that a great thing will be waiting for her when she wakes up.

Anyway, between the potty training success and the other ways that life has improved around here, I'd say that L&L is definitely a hit. Of course, as with any child-training tool, there are things I use and things I don't; things I agree with and things I don't. What we're using is working, though, and that is obviously the point.

When I started, I thought that it was ridiculous when they said that L&L parents look forward to their children misbehaving because those are opportunities for learning and gaining wisdom. I now understand. I kind of go through my day and predict issues that are going to arise, how I will handle them, and how I can help her learn from it.

As for Conrey...he is still in a major screaming mode and nothing is working. If ANYONE has any ideas, I would gladly...GLADLY take them. He wants me holding him...period. Whenever I set him down, he screams. I am not one that has ever held my kids a ton, so I think when he was sick last week and I snuggled him a lot, held him when he slept (because he couldn't breathe), etc. it really spoiled him. Now, I'm struggling to break the cycle. I immediately put him in his "time out" location whenever he screams and he just screams harder and louder. Whenever I come back to check on him, he immediately stops. He will sit in his room with me just across the hall where he can see me and scream. He screamed for over an hour the other day before I finally picked him up for fear of damaging his vocal chords. So, any suggestions...ANY AT ALL...please help a struggling momma out! :)

I'm off to bed.


Holly said...

Patrick and I have talked about and want to do Love & Logic with Addison when she gets a bit older, so I love to read your stories and experiences!! It sounds like you are doing a great job with it and that Cassie is really beginning to understand. That's awesome! Keep up the good work. On another note, I really don't have any suggestions for Mr. Conrey :(, sorry :(. Addison likes to be held a lot too, and I usually give in....oops. Oh well, she's the only one I have right now and I figure since I stay at home, she is my full time job, if that means holding her lots, then thats what I do. BUT, that being said, you have 2 kiddos and that is a whole other ball game. I wish I had some suggestions, I can imagine that it is stressful. Hang in there!!!

Anonymous said...

It is not bad to hold your babies a lot.

Devion said...

Oh, I hold them plenty and love on them lots. I'm just not a mom who sits and holds her baby all day long. I was just meaning it in the way that he's not screaming for me because he's spoiled because he's used to being held 24/7. I agree that it's not bad. There IS, however, a point of making them so dependent and un-self-sufficient that you do harm to them, I believe. They need to be down learning, exploring, etc. Just my take. I feel that I'm pretty balanced on holding/self-soothing and self-discovery.

Make sense?

Cami D said...

Totally. I love my children plenty, but when they were young, didn't hold them constantly either. I want them to understand that they are not the CENTER of my world. Parents do a disservice to their kids if they don't teach them this. Children already have it ingrained to be self-centered without parenting reinforcing this. I know this sounds harsh, but those of you that know me and my family, understand where I'm coming from hopefully. I am not a cold-hearted Mom, even though it sounds that way. Just ask teachers that have interaction with kids, if they can tell the difference btwn kids that have siblings (or parents who don't spoil them) or kids that are raised thinking they are the center of the universe. (a lot of this is tongue in cheek language and a dose of sarcasm, which is difficult to get over the line)
I hope this helps to know that I think you are on the right track. He needs to learn that Momma isn't gonna just drop everything whenever HE demands it... he needs to learn self-soothing techniques also.

Jordashblack said...

You know now that I think about it Hunter went through a MAJOR phase like that around that age. He didn't scream at the top of his lungs...prob bc I never let it get to that point bc the whining was about enough to make me give in (it's like nails on a chalk board). I think it lasted for about a month or so, it was right before he became mobile, it was if he wanted to be with me all the time doing what I was doing bc if I walked away from him he couldn't do anything about crawl over to me. I remember having a tough time because I got really tired of holding him at times and for some reason I had to be standing not sitting or he would get mad. He got so heavy after a while it was really wearing on me. Eventually he got over it and now it's only after naps or when I am trying to fix dinner that he wants me to hold him...I'm okay with it now because I kinda miss the snuggle time. But, I totally understand where you are coming from because it will wear you OUT! Well I understand minus the other issue of having a 3 year old to take care of too, which I do not have. Hopefully, this is just a stage and this too shall pass. Good luck, you're doing a great job momma.

Chelf said...

The kiddo I babysit part time is 15 mos. old, and has for the last month or so (including my week of Spring Break) has decided that SCREAMING is his thing. His mom, the usual babysitter, and I have all tried to make the message the same. 1. Screaming only hurts you. Doesn't faze us. 2. If you want to be loud, you get to be alone. (spends a lot of time in a pack and play on the other side of a door from us.) If you want to be nice, you can get down and play, go where you like, eat a snack, etc. (We tell him this every 2-5 minutes of a fit, when we check on him. He knows we have not forgotten him, and that we can hear, but he isn't in control.) Demanding by scream will NOT work. 3. The rules are the same at all three houses. Nothing changes just because you think you can push the boundaries. We talk behind your back, and we know that you know you are misbehaving.

There have been days where the kiddo made enough of a fuss that I was worried my neighbors would call DHS. This was not the "I'm hungry" cry, or the "I have hurt myself unexpectedly" cry... this was plainly simply "I am pissed off, and you are not fixing it, so I am going to tell you about it, loudly" scream. I tried all sorts of things before the other room treatment. Put Orajel on his canine teeth that were coming in... fed him, diapered him, gave him a drink of milk, gave him a snack.... sometimes he just decided to throw a fit. Usually, after throwing a toy.

We did a lot of talking. In calm voices. "Throwing things is not appropriate. Screaming is not acceptable. I love you, but you have to stop yelling at me. Are you done yet? I am trying to talk to you." My own contribution to this was "Did it hurt when you smacked your head on the hardwood floor? Do it again, you need to keep hitting until it hurts!" This one made him stop, and think about what I really said. Laugh at one fit... it unnerves them.

My mom did this once: Tell Sis that Bro (if he is pitching a really good flopping fit) is "exercising" and that she needs to get on the floor and act like he does. It will likely turn into a game.

The good news: This will pass. The bad news: You have to tolerate the discipline. There is a series of books called "No Cry Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. You might find those and take a peek in a bookstore, to see if they are something that would help you.

I hope that you get a lot of good advice, and that it all works itself out as Conrey grows. You care, and that is the best start he can have!