Monday, July 26, 2010

THE week

It has come and I think that it kind of snuck up on me.  This is the week that Mark leaves for Nebraska.  It will be until the baby is born that I will see him again we think.  That is, if he makes it back in time for the baby's birth.

When we first started looking into the railroad, we knew that it typically takes months and months to get in.  We also knew, however, that we were most definitely being lead this route and that God was looking out for us in this situation.  We knew that we were on HIS timetable and not ours.  Of course, we know that we always are on His timetable, but we like to pretend that we're on our own most of the time.

I told him that I was more than willing to move anywhere that he wanted to move in order for him to be fulfilled and to have a future.  HOWEVER, I told him that I would NOT have this baby without him and we fought and argued one night over it.

Through much prayer, much self discovery, I began to find strength and confidence that I didn't know was in there.  God began changing my heart and molding it to His will and not my own and I really and truly began, better than okay...I became content and at peace with the thought of having to have this baby by myself if that was what God required of us in this time.  I mean, seriously...until what, like 30 or 35 years ago, you were in there by yourself anyway with just the dr and nurse(s).  There are hundreds of military wives that make the sacrifice to have babies without their husbands not knowing whether their husband will EVER make it back to meet the baby.  In tribal areas of the world, the woman goes into the woods and comes out (hopefully) with a baby.  I realized that my strength in this situation didn't come directly from my husband, but rather from God.  He had used Mark as my source of strength through my last 2 deliveries, but He is able to show me His power however He chooses and I am fully confident that this situation will be no different.

However, I am QUITE human, and as the looming deadline approaches, I feel moments of panic.  I feel moments of despair.  I have to continually remind myself of the post referenced below and have been "re-recording" the tape that keeps TRYING to play in my head.  I refuse to let it.  I refuse to be weak when I don't have to be.  I refuse to psych myself out and be an emotional wreck during the time that we have left together that is so precious.  I refuse to let SATAN control our week, or even a moment of it.

I know, full well, that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengths me (Phil 4:13).  This doesn't exclude giving birth without my husband beside me.  This doesn't exclude caring for 2 kids (and then 3) by myself for 2 months.  This doesn't exclude keeping the house "show ready."  This doesn't exclude being a happy, caring, loving, nurturing mother to my children when the monster wants to well up and come clawing out.  I can do ALL things.

So, I will be tearful at times this week.  I will be sad.  I will be brave.  I will break down.  I will recover.  I will persevere until God brings my husband back to me or me to him in Nebraska...whichever comes first.  But, through all of it, I will be resting in His peace, His hope, and His strength in the shadow of His wing.


Donna said...

I can't even imagine. You strength is constantly growing. I will pray extra hard for you this week. Please call if you need some time away and want to drop the kids off for a play day or if you want to hang out too. If you need anything let me know.

BEK said...

Your strength is truly from on high. Keep repeating it. Be sooooo thankful God let you come back home with family around you before He started working on your move! You know you are always in my thoughts and prayers!!! Can't believe you have less than 3 months left! I have 99 days left!!!!

Holly said...

Praying for you dear friend!! Praying God continues to fill you with HIS strength. That doesn't mean its not ok to cry sometimes, you remember that! Have a good cry and then keep on keeping on! You are amazing!

Bek said...

I just wanted to say I love you. I don't know what the feeling is like to give birth without your husband, but I do know what it's like to live without each other for months; I've had to do that twice now.

I'm praying for you and your recovery, that you can somehow get enough sleep while taking care of two children and a newborn, that you and Mark get to be together when the baby is born, and if not, that you can be together as soon as possible. I'll be praying for your move, I know from experience it's hard to move just after giving birth (I moved from FL to KC when Chloe was eight days old) and I know what it's like to take cross country trips with toddlers. I know God will take care of you, and I pray for you to have peace during this time.

I know nothing I say is going to make it better when he drives away and you have that moment of "Oh, he's gone now." But just know that you're being prayed for