Thursday, September 9, 2010

An unknown peace

So, I've done this pregnant thing twice before.  Both times previously, I have been dying...DYING to get the baby out by this point.  I am 36 weeks, 1 day as of today.  Typically, I am gearing up with all of the natural induction methods to try to get baby out as soon as 37 weeks hits.  Nothing has ever worked for me that early.  In fact, the only self-induction that HAS worked was the castor oil with Cassie at 39 weeks 2 days.  I tried it again with Conrey and puked after the first drink.  Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn.

So, anyway, I was driving to my OB appointment yesterday and I thought to myself, "It doesn't really matter what he tells me today after checking me.  In fact, why is he going to check me.  It won't really make any difference."

For a reason unexplainable to me, I have received, without thinking to ask, I might add, the peace that passes all understanding.  I am not in a rush any longer.  I mean, don't get me wrong, if he came sooner rather than later, I will certainly not be complaining.  However, I don't feel the need to get my arsenal ready.  I don't feel like I need to eat an entire pineapple.  I don't feel as though I need to be pushing all of the pressure points or other awkward go-into-labor things.

I just feel like he'll come when he's ready and that timing will be right.  SO not my feelings the last 2 times.

I can only explain this one way.  For the past year and a half, we have been cruising down the highway of God's timing not knowing when or where our journey would lead, but just trusting like we never have before.  It has been scary, yes.  It has been trying, yes.  We have tried to get off at exits not intended for us and it has gotten us quite lost, but we always managed to find our way back (well, we had to be led back, of course...we're not THAT smart).  I truly believe that this is what has allowed me to receive this peace that God has offered.  I'm not doing things on my terms or timing, but simply trusting the master of the universe whom is, afterall, creating this little boy within me every second of every day.  It's so foreign to me that I am kind of bursting with joy over it.

Two Sundays ago at church, by the time I walked out of the building, I was in tears.  I have been soooooooooo tired of people asking when I'm due and then freaking out when I say how long I have left.  I'm tired of the twins comments.  I'm tired of the "are they sure they have your due date right?" questions. 

Last night, I had a completely different perspective.  People would ask how I was doing and I'd tell them honestly that I'm doing well!  Sometimes I would add in how tired I am, but what pregnant lady ISN'T tired?  What mom of 2 isn't tired???  However, it was just so refreshing to say that I'm doing well and mean it!  It is just such a different perspective.  I have my normal aches and pains that are associated with end-stage pregnancy, but they are manageable...they are tolerable...they aren't nearly as bad as they could be!

I know I'm rambling.  Sorry.  I probably have said the same things over and over.  I just cannot describe the joy that has accompanied the peace.

God has most definitely used some close people in my life to encourage, uplift, and root for me.  Yes, even those that think that they haven't been a good support for me have kept me going and have helped me get to this point.  With the help of a fellow (formerly) preggo, we decided that we will not succumb to the control of hormones ruling our attitude, mood, and way we treat our spouses and children.  God made those hormones and we choose to let Him shine through us even when we want to scream at our children (or when we are weak and DO scream at our children and then need a time-out, to apologize to our precious babies, and refocus).  We choose to not allow society to lead us to believe that we have the right to behave as we choose when we are hormonal and everyone else just has to deal with it.  God did not make them to give every female a grouch pass, but to allow our bodies to do amazing and beautiful things.  So, today, along with my joy and peace, I will practice love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentless, and self-control with  my children, my family, and my friends in spite of the fact that I'm exhausted after little sleep, I have a pressure-y head, and have to get the house ready for a showing before my baby shower.  I will rest in His promises of daily supplication and in the peace that is so foreign to me, yet so welcome.

Sorry for the long, babbly post.  Hopefully, it made some sense somewhere in there.

So, whether baby Keaton comes out tonight while at my shower *smile* or somewhere in the next 4 or so weeks, I will do my best to continue to dwell within His sphere of peace.

*I wanted to add a disclaimer that I absolutely believe that hormones can do things that are not in a woman's control and that it is a difficult battle for many.  I don't want to discount the struggle that we all go through with hormones.  I simply choose for this moment to overcome them through GOD'S help.  God has provided medications for some that need it...counseling for others...great friends for, I pray, all of us.  I just didn't want anyone to think that I was being condesending.  If I ever had depression or other hormonal issues, I would not be afraid to seek help, so I just wanted to make that clear!


BEK said...

All I can say is: You go Girl!!!! Glad you have found peace!!!!


I respect your wishes, I had no choice at the time, for what was happening to me. I am on medication not just for mental but also physical situations.
You stay strong keep God and Your Family on your side and you will be fine.
Denise Zimmerman