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I.  Am.  Done.

I'm done with the separation.

I'm done with the gallbladder attacks.

I'm done with the house payments.

I'm done with not sleeping.

I'm done feeling lonely.

I'm done with people telling me that: a) I should have had this baby by now, b) when in the world am  I gonna have this baby, and c) that I'm huge and/or look like I'm having twins.

I'm done with the financial struggles.  We've done it for 16 months.

I'm done with having no energy because my body is losing iron at an alarming rate...again...

I'm done feeling like I have to have a strong/brave face for everyone around me.

I'm tired of talking to my husband on the phone at night instead of him being beside me.

I'm done wrestling the kids at church by myself.

I'm done with the heat.

I'm done with my husband and I living separate lives.

I'm done with headaches.

I'm done with not being able to walk when I get up from lying down/sitting.

I.  Am.  Done.

Ironically, the only thing that I'm not feeling over done with is the pregnancy.  It stinks not sleeping, but that's not going to change when baby comes.  I certainly have aches and pains, but he's actually very well contained in there and, for the time being, I am just fine with him hanging out in there.  Besides, I want to have this coming weekend with my husband and then want him to come back to visit.  I don't want to be jipped of that second visit.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I am done, but for now, I will take the self-containment that is my womb.

However, I don't have the luxury of being done.  I don't have the luxury of throwing in the towel.  I have two precious kids that are depending on me; two precious kids that are gracious about my impatience.  I have two precious kids that count on me to get out of bed each day; two precious kids that count on me to bathe, dress, and nurture them.  I have two precious kids that get me to get up for church; two precious kids that are dependent on me to drive them to church and then train them how to sit properly in church.

They may not understand all of the stresses that make me act the way I do, but they love me regardless of my attitude, my tone, or my lack of energy.  They give me hugs and kisses at just the right time.  That makes it bearable for 5 more minutes.  The snuggles and giggles make things bearable for 5 more hours.  The excitement of this week with Cassie meeting her teacher and starting school will make things bearable for 5 more days.  That's all I have to make it this round...5 more days until my helpmeet/partner/best friend/love/biggest support holds me in his arms and tells me that we'll make it through.  As long as I don't think about his departure, I can make it through the week for the two precious kids, the precious, precious baby that I carry, and my husband who is working hard to turn things around for our family.

Five days until I get a recharge.

Five Days.

Such a BIG girl!

I am so, so proud of my Cassie girl and had to shout it on my blog!  She got FOUR nasty shots yesterday.  There were 2 nurses, so it was 2 poking times with 2 shots each.  Her eyes got really big and she whimpered, but she didn't cry.  Then, when they were done, she said, "That's it?"  Her legs were pretty sore last night and they have been today, but overall, she's doing amazingly well!  I'm very proud of her!

Monday, I'll take her to meet her teacher and then Wednesday, she starts preschool!  I can't believe she's that age, but she's definitely ready!  I just hope that we don't have meltdowns when mommy tries to leave. 

ONE WEEK from tomorrow is when Daddy gets to come home for a brief visit.  As you can imagine, we are all BEYOND excited!  The kids think he's coming 1 week from Saturday, because he won't get it until 2 a.m. Saturday, but I'm still counting it as Friday for MY sake!  :)  We are just about to die to see each other.  Cassie is counting down the days big time!

Well, that's it.  We have a big week ahead of us.  Sometime before Wednesday, we have to get some school shoes and get her backpack packed up.  Can't wait for that first day of school picture!!!

Nesting already?

I sure hope not!  I don't have the energy to do this for 6 more weeks!  I just can't sit still.  In fact, just taking a break to write this is killing me as I think about all of the things that I want to get done today.  What in the world?!?  For those of you who know me, this is not typical WHATsoever.  So, either I'm nesting already which will make for a really tiring 6 weeks or we're going to have a showing in the next few days and God is just putting a proverbial fire under my proverbial butt to get things in order.  Either way, I'm pooped!

We had a really loud, long thunderstorm this morning.  It was one of those where it is constant lightning and thunder.  I already couldn't sleep and then that lasted for over 2 hours (of when I was finally asleep, of course).  I wasn't nervous of it or anything...it was just loud!  At least the kids slept through it, though!  I think that I probably slept 3 hours total.

Add that to the cleaning/organizing/nesting and I'm exhausted!!!!!!!!

The kids are currently having a picnic on the livingroom floor watching Cinderella.  It is my all-time favorite Disney movie and they seem to be enjoying it quite a bit, though I don't know if Cassie's food has even been touched yet!  :)

Today is my hubby's birthday.  I wanted to say a thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you that sent him cards.  He was overwhelmed and blessed by all that he's already received.  I hope that his mailbox is full again today!  As of yesterday, he had received 17 cards!

I haven't really said much about the kids lately that wasn't Daddy-related, so I'll leave with a little update on each of them:

Cassie is amazing me with all that she has learned lately.  She now sings the books of the New Testament and I am so, so proud of her!  She wanted to learn it and asked me to sing it several times.  Now, she does it on her own quite well!  She also has been doing memory work including John 3:16 (at church) and Phil 4:13 (at home).  She has a passion for scripture, it seems, and my heart could not be happier!  She starts preschool a week from tomorrow and is thrilled.  She is even willing to get shots just so that she can go to school!  She will be going to a Christian preschool and I hope that her love for letters, words, and scripture will be greatly nourished!  Oh, yeah, she has started sounding words out, too.  She read cat, dog, God, bat, and Keaton the other day.

Conrey amazes me often, as well.  He, too, sings the books of the Bible.  It is difficult to understand, but he is, indeed, saying them.  His favorite is to say, "PEEEETUH!"  You can tell by certain syllables of each one that he is doing his best to say the correct word.  He has started saying things like, "Sure," which I always think is cute.  He has become quite ornery and pesty towards Cassie and myself.  He tries to irritate her, that is for sure!  He'll grab 1 thing from whatever she's playing with and run off with it.  He'll come up and pull her hair and then run away.  Such a naughty little brother!!!  :)  The thing that we've had to work on lately, though, is that whenever he gets mad at me, he tries to hit or kick my belly.  He knows that I'm protective of it and tries to make me mad back!

Keaton is still "tall."  I feel like he might reach his little hand right out sometimes as he pushes and pokes.  Not my favorite feeling.  I have an appointment tomorrow where my dr will check me.  Not my favorite feeling either.  :)

Well, that's it on the kiddos, but I wanted to give a shout out to an ADORABLE baby boy that made his way into this world Sunday, Mr. Seth.  He is beautiful and has the sweetest dimples!  So happy for the Tysons on their new nugget!

A little reminder

On the way to church yesterday, God used the mouth of my 4-year-old daughter to remind me of His role in our situation.

Cassie: "Momma, so, Daddy is all alone up in Nebraska?"

Me: "Yes.  He misses us very much!"

Cassie with an ornery twinkle in her eye: "NO HE'S NOT!!!  God is ALWAYS with him!!!"

She was pretty proud of herself for "catching" me with this one.  I confirmed the absolute truth of her statement and reminded myself that indeed, God is not only with us every second of our separation, but His hand is orchestrating our future including when we'll get to be together again, when Keaton will be born, and when the move will happen.

Thank you, Lord, for using our precious babes as your best messengers!!!

Mommy with a broken heart

My daughter is having a tough, tough time.  It is, obviously, making it tougher on me, but I know that I understand the situation, that I was part of the decision making, and that I have a much better concept of time than she does.  I just feel so heartbroken for her and am not sure how to help her.

She has had several breakdowns in the past several days.  Wednesday, I believe it was, she was just sobbing her little eyes out when she called to tell Mark goodnight.  She had her eyes squeezed as tight as she could with tears streaming down her little face.

This morning, she woke up crying.  She came and got in bed with me and all she could say was, "Daddy....."  She cried for Daddy a few other times throughout the day.  Finally, she said, "Mommy, you wanna know why I cried this morning?  I dreamed that we were in our new church in Nebraska and I looked and looked for my Daddy.  I finally found him, yelled 'DADDY!' and ran up to him and gave him lots of hugs and kisses!  But, then I woke up and it wasn't real life at all..."

It was almost enough for me to head to the airport to buy the next available tickets to our new town.  It seriously rocked my world and made me realize just how deeply this was affecting my baby girl.  I know full well that God has led us to this opportunity, this situation, the church there, and the job.  I know that He is looking at the big picture and that His timing is perfect, though we don't understand.  I understand that this difficult situation will give us all a bright, bright future.  My baby girl, however, just knows that she can't see her daddy.  She doesn't know when she'll get to again.  She doesn't understand the why's of the situation.  I don't know how to help her understand.  I don't know that she could understand if I tried. 

She's hurting and there is nothing that I can do in this moment to help her.  I am doing my best to heap on the love, care, and extra attention.  Beyond that, I'm at a loss.

This is only temporary and I believe that God would NOT have led us to this situation if it was to harm us or our children.  I believe that He holds the future and that He provides the bread we need for today...not tomorrow, but for today and that is sufficient because He will provide for tomorrow when it comes.  I just hope and pray that my little one is getting her daily strength from my great God and that that is sufficient to sustain her.  In the name of Jesus, dear Lord, please protect my little girl's heart and mind from the evil one so that she might have your peace throughout the rest of this trial.

33 week doctor's appointment

So, I had my appointment today.  It was scheduled for 2:50.  I saw him around 4:45.  Fun.  I don't normally talk to the people in the waiting room.  Today was different.  I know about the due date, gender, and pregnancy complications of about 10 different women.  The girl that started the conversations was quite...um...animated...to put it mildly.  We knew about every detail of her pregnancy including the fact that she's lost, LOST 45 lbs throughout the pregnancy. 

I finally got back there and as I'm waiting for the dr, start to feel the onset of a gallbladder attack.  Great.  When he finally comes in, we talk about my near accident at the beginning of the week, my gallbladder issues, and ongoing contractions, which have been really painful back contractions all day today with a few good belly ones here and there.  Anyway, he goes to measure me and his eyebrows go up.  He listens to the baby and then sits on his stool with his laptop to document.

"Well, you are pretty big..... *long pause*  I think that we've got a tall baby......  *long pause*  How big were your other 2?"

I told him 8 lbs and 8 lbs 9 oz., both 5 days early.  "What did I measure today?"

"A little over 37.  You're 33 weeks?"  I nodded.  "Well, I think that you're on track to have at least that big of a baby, but probably bigger.  I think he's tall."

Ok...at that point, I'm thinking to myself, "Is that like telling a girl that she's 'big boned?'"  From his demeanor and wording, it seemed that he was pretty surprised at the change.  I had been measuring 2 or so weeks big for awhile (down from 3 when we first started measuring).  That was just 2 weeks ago that I was 2 weeks big.  Now, all of the sudden, it's 4 and his measuring was accurate...he checked it twice.

So, now I have an explanation for why I feel so miserable and have so much pressure...I'm the size of a woman who is about to have her baby.  The joy of the situation is that I get to carry this guy for 6 or so more weeks.  Yipee....

But, he's healthy.  He seems to be happy.  He's being knit by the hands of the great creator.

So, though I'm feeling like this guy is ready to come out, I will be patient because I know that God is forming him just right in accordance with His design.

Now, if only I had a husband here.....  :)

TRYING NOT TO GET MY HOPES UP

Mark told me that he might get to come home for labor day weekend.  I am SO trying not to get my hopes up!  It would be pretty much right in the middle of our separation AND would be the weekend just before my 30th birthday.  OH MYLANTA!  I think that it would be JUST the pick-me-up that I need at that point!  But, I am not going to get my hopes up.  I am not going to look forward to it.  I am not going to plan on it.  I'm just going to go with the flow and pray about it.  *sigh*  Easier said than done...

Summertime Reds

I've got the summertime blues, but they're actually the summertime reds.  It is SOOOO hot that I find my face beet red quite often.  It is so hot that I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  If it weren't for my 2 favorite munchkins, my fellow miserable preggo with her munchkins, and my mom, I would probably just hide in the house, thermal curtains drawn, laying around doing nothing 24/7.  It is miserable hot out there.  We were in this pool this morning.  I seriously doubt if either of us moved more than 5 feet in any direction the entire time we were in there.  We're both worn out and I feel like I swam laps in an Olympic-sized pool.  Seriously!  The heat is just overwhelming.  I've never handled heat very well in the first place.  Add the 50% extra blood pumping through my veins, the 30 lbs of extra weight strapped to my abdomen, and the record highs this summer, and you've got a preggo that is struggling to stay active!  I am just thankful that I have those motivating factors keeping me going, because without them, I might just be sleeping this summer away! 

I seriously do not remember EVER being as hot in my entire life as I have been this summer. 

So, in an effort to maintain my sanity and to stay as cool as possible, I'm asking all of you in bloggity land to share any cooooool ideas or suggestions.  Anything that you recommend for staying cool in the summer that is fun, tasty, etc?  Recipes are always welcome!  :)

A bit of advanced warning

Mark's birthday is coming up Aug 24.  I was hoping to flood him with birthday cards.  Obviously, I'm not going to post his address online for the world to see, but if you would like to send him a birthday card, I will be more than happy to share his address with you.

In Mark news, he was on the locomotives for the first time today.  He learned a lot and it was very interesting.  He got to see them do some pretty cool stuff, too.  His left heel is really torn up from his new boots.  The right one hasn't bothered him a bit, but the left one has made him raw, bleeding, and in a lot of pain.  He HAS to wear the boots every day, so he's not sure how he's going to get it to heal up with the constant irritation.  He had the boot shop rework the back of it.  Since it was already injured, though, it still made it worse today even with the improvements.  If you'd pray for healing with that, I would appreciate and I know he would too!

Weekends are pretty rough for him right now being all alone and having nothing to do.  Saturdays stretch on forever.  If your hubby is a friend of his, a call on any Saturday might do him a lot of good.

Overall, he's doing great, though.  I'm so proud of my husband.  I know he reciprocates the feeling.  We're both in a tough situation right now and we've never felt closer, though we're 9 hours apart.  Thanks for the continued prayers!

Ready or NOT!

It has hit me.  I'm about to have another child.  Suddenly, 8 weeks doesn't sound like much.  Suddenly, the thought of going through the baby phase again is stifling...heavy...hard to accept.

Don't get me wrong, I am READY to be done and I am READY to meet my baby and love him SO much.

I just am not mentally prepared to nurse him full-time.  I'm not ready for the diapers, sleeplessness, and 100% dependence.

ON. ME.

I think that that is why it is suddenly a burden to think about.

It's all on me.

Yes, I know that I have multitudes of people that are there for me and whom will be very helpful, but that's not the same as my husband who lives with me and helps me and comforts me.

The parenting...that's all me.

Wow.  It's all coming whether I'm ready or not.  My question is this: How do you GET ready for all of that?  Seriously?  I have no answer.

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On a somewhat unrelated note, my baby boy has turned into a bully.  He bullies his friends.  He bullies his sister.  He tries to bully me.  He is still the most loving little boy I've ever known when he wants to be.  Other times, he tries to kick baby Keaton because he's mad at me.  He has been hitting, kicking, and biting...mainly his sister.  He is slooooowly learning that hitting mommy is a baaaaaaaaad idea.  But, he still hits me quite a bit.  His Bible class teacher told me that he was hitting his friends a couple of weeks ago.  I never thought that HE would become THAT kid.  He has always been the lovey friend.  The only thing that I can figure is that it is because of all of the transitions and now Daddy isn't here to be the strong male enforcer.  Don't get me wrong, I do NOT let him get by with it, but I'm not respected the same way that Daddy is.

Any advice from you bloggity friends?  I need him to be back to his old self before baby brother comes.  I'm afraid that that is not going to happen.  He is learning independence and, for some reason, this is how he is choosing to display it.  *sigh*  I want my baby boy back!


Mark is doing well.  He is excited to get to be on the tracks working Monday.  Thank you for all of your prayers for him.  Please keep them heavenbound.  They are working and appreciated!

Preparation @ 31 weeks

So, I've decided that I'd best start at least THINKING about preparing for this baby or he's going to sneak up on me and I'll have nothing done!  Luckily, I thought at the last moment...the morning Mark left...to have him get the bassinet and bouncer down from where he had stored them on the ceiling of the garage.  WHEW!  Dodged the "baby has nowhere to sleep" bullet!  Today, I bought a couple of different types of pacis and I also found some 'paci wipes.'  I'm of the "take 5 pacies with you in case one falls on the floor" school of thought.  I DEFINITELY don't put the paci in my mouth to "clean" it.  I typically don't take the time to go wash the offended paci.  I typically just put it in the dirty bag and get a new one.  So, I think that the paci wipes will help.  Anyway, I picked out 3 different types of pacis.  One is "nipple shaped."  I thought that that was...um...awkward.  Couldn't they come up with some better explanation than that?  I hope and pray that this baby loves his paci as much as his siblings did.

I ordered my diaper bag this weekend and it is set to be delivered today!  I'm super excited!  With Cassie, I had a great, girlie, froo-froo bag.  With Conrey, we were on a VERY tight budget and I got one that was like $10.  This is a 2-in-1 bag with a diaper clutch and a paci pod.  I'm just so excited!  Since Conrey is still in diapers and needs a bag, the 2-in-1 feature should be quite handy!  I can't wait to get it, load it up, and have a convienent, handy bag!

I haven't purchased diapers yet, but can I get an amen to how precious newborn diapers are???  I am just so excited to compare them to Conrey's big 'ol 5's and just oooh and aaah over how tiny they are!  For my newborns, I am definitely a Swaddler's mom.  I think that they do the best and I think that they smell like baby.

Finally, I need to go through my clothes, figure out what will work and what won't for this baby, and get stuff washed.  Oh, and get the bedding all washed.  My good friend is being induced in 2.5 weeks and I need to see what things of Conrey's will work for her little guy.  Her boys and my boys are both opposite seasons.  That's what happens when you both have little surprises!

For me, I suppose that I will begin to make a list for my hospital bag.  It gets shorter and shorter with each passing kid.  I had a duffel bag with Cassie, a tote with Conrey, and I'll probably just take an overnight bag with a change of clothes and my PJs for Keaton.  All of that "fluff" stuff just gets left in the bag, it seems.  I will definitely be taking a picture of my hubby with me in case he doesn't make it.  I need him there in one form or another.  He'll probably have to labor with me on the phone if he's not there!  :)  Hair bands/clips, a brush, toothbrush/paste, shower stuff, deod, and make-up will probably about do it.  Oh, and mints.  I always bring mints for the people breathing in my face.  Not much is worse to me than being in labor and smelling bad breath!  :)

So, we're at 31 weeks and I've been telling Keaton that he is getting evicted as SOON as he's baked.  I'm trying to convince him that 37 weeks sounds pretty fabulous!  That would put us mid-September.  That would be great with me!  You can be assured that I'll be walking my little feet off, eating my "Go Into Labor Cake," and lots of pineapple (among other home remedies) as soon as September 15th (37 weeks) hits!

After the weekend

So, we survived our first weekend.  Sunday was tiring, to say the least, but all went well.  I even snuck in a brief, Sunday-afternoon nap.  We enjoyed swimming Sunday night with some friends and then stayed at Mom and Dad's.  It was just easier! 

Monday, I had a pretty raging headache and went to my dad's office twice.  We ate dinner with mom and dad and then came home.  I had to be home to watch the finale of The Bachelorette!  :)  I know, I'm a dork, but so are many of you!  :)  I knew from early on that she would pick Roberto, but I was pulling for Chris.  Such a good guy, it seems!  I was PRETTY jealous of Mark yesterday, as the high for Goddard peaked at 109.  Where he is at, the high was 87.  MAN!  Where is the justice!  I should totally be there and he should be here!

Today, we went to play with Sophie and Will...Cassie's best friend and Conrey's best frenemy.  They are friends, but Conrey gets pretty jealous of Will.  I think that it is from when I used to keep them.  It was good to have some adult friend conversation...especially with a fellow preggo, though she's less than 3 weeks away from meeting her little man.  The temp right now is registering at 107 and we've been hunkered down inside with the thermal curtains pulled since getting home from their house around 12:30.  I am so, so thankful for these curtains!  My electric bill is too!

Now, what you've really all been wondering about...my husband.  When I talked to him Saturday, he was quite depressed, lonely, and wondering if he should even stay there.  Sunday, he went to a great church, met some new friends (who took him out to lunch--Mexican!  It's a fellow BNSF employee and he thinks that they'll be great friends), felt very welcome, and had a much better outlook on life.  Chance, the new friend, answered many of his questions and put his mind at ease somewhat.  I'm very thankful for that!

Yesterday, he started orientation.  It will be all week long.  He is basically learning company policies, benefits, union stuff, etc., meeting people, and touring the facilities.  He has a great feeling about it so far and is quite eager to start working next week.

He is getting used to being on his own and has even cooked his own dinner every night.  I'm waiting for him to get past hotdogs, frozen pizzas, and sandwiches...waiting for the call when he says, "What do I do?!?!?" 

Anyway, all is well on both homefronts.  The kids are adjusting a bit better every day and I feel that they will both survive this difficult period. 

Keaton currently has the hiccups.  He's been getting them a lot the past few days.  They seem to last forever like someone tapping you repeatedly on the arm...it gets annoying.  However, I cherish each kick, roll, and Renesme-esque punch, as I know that it will all be over soon and I'll miss it!

Thanks for stopping by and we'll catch up later!